Mea culpa
by katsmor
Summary: I am trying to act like it's not her. That maybe, just maybe if I act like it couldn't possibly be her, then I will realize that isn't her. But I can't.  I can't stop seeing her face, facing the door. Her eyes were still open. And it is my fault.


I own nothing! This is one I have had for awhile and finally decided to put it up. I know it is another sad one, but I just like writing sad stories! Hope you enjoy

**Harry's P.O.V.**

It wasn't supposed to happen.

It's just not right. We had made it. We'd survived.

I thought I was done hurting… done trying to block out the pictures that always came with the hard truth. I used to wish that I wasn't kept in the dark, that I was told everything. I was stupid, because now, I'd give anything to know nothing.

I don't understand. We just had dinner. We talked. She was going to give Ron a real chance. Forgive him for leaving. She told me to give Ginny one. That I would grow to love her again. I should have told her that I couldn't because Ginny would never mean as much to me as she did. But I didn't want to step in the way of her and Ron.

I should have made sure she went home. She said she just wanted to get some air. It helped her think. Still, I should have gone with her! I know the war is over, but it's far from safe. But in the end it doesn't matter if the war was over because it wasn't our world that killed her. I don't know where her wand was and she can do wandless magic but there were just too many. She must have been taken by surprise. I wish I wasn't the one called to take care of her.

I am trying to act like it's not her. That maybe, just maybe if I act like it couldn't possibly be her, then I will realize it isn't her. Because, if it is, I am going to have to call Ron, have to tell him that she's gone. I don't know if I can do that. Kingsley sent me to stand in the hall. But it's messy. She never liked the hall to be messy. Said it gave a bad impression. So this can't possibly be her house. There is some blood on the pieces of her hall mirror. I wish I knew where it came from. Or maybe I don't want to know.

I refuse to look at this as her. I am just going to see it as some random witch we got called on. One who walked home alone...

From meeting her best friend... Who didn't walk her home…

A girl who got attacked on her door step... Pulled into her house… And was killed.

But I can't. I can't stop seeing her face, facing the door. Her eyes were still open. But they… they weren't her eyes. They were empty. But I just keep picturing her staring at the door, hoping and praying that we would save her. That maybe for once we would be there for her like she has always been there for us. I know… I know she wouldn't blame us. I know she wouldn't. But… I just feel like she should. She enabled the alarm. Had we been quicker getting here… maybe we could have saved her.

We caught the bastards. Well, Kingsley said they did. I… I couldn't move, I didn't see anything.

_Flashback:_

_I had just gotten home. Finally, I can lie down. Talking to Hermione always takes it out of me. It was so hard to hide how I felt about her._

_I hadn't been lying on my couch for more than 30 minutes when I got the call. Not many people use my phone. Really it was just Hermione and work. Work because I refused to keep my floo open. I didn't like that people could come and go as they please in my house. _

"_Hello"_

_I could barely make out Kingsley voice over the sound of the wind against his phone. "Harry, I need you to meet me. Right away. The security alarm at Hermione's place was activated. I got the call because apparently some kid left his post for the lunch early and so by the time they got it, it had been about 45 minutes. I have already sent Brown and Moore down there with the night group. Get there as soon as possible."_

_I didn't even answer. I just dropped the phone and ran. This wasn't the first time in my life that I wished I didn't have to have the anti-disapparation wards on my house. I had barely crossed the wards when I let myself be pulled into that space. _

_There were people everywhere. I barely registered any of that though. Not the people being floated away, obviously having been apprehended and taken down. No, all I could focus on was the smell. It smelled like war. _

_It was then I walked in, and all I could see were her eyes._

_End Flashback_

It still smelled like blood. Blood and death. She died smelling that. It smells worse than a battle did. I am not sure why. Maybe because in a battle, you expect it. I didn't expect this.

I am sitting on the ground. I don't really know how I got here… I just realized I was here. I can see in the front door. I see her eyes. I see the blood.

I want her to blink and make a joke about how she got me! She finally got me. But she hasn't moved. She'd have given in by now. She didn't even like practical jokes.

I can't stop from see her face. My face feels wet, I think I am crying. I can't stop. Please, let this be a dream.

I am standing again walking towards her eyes. I can't breathe.

I don't care that people are telling me to stop.

I don't care that I am getting blood on my pants.

I just don't want her to be disappointed in me anymore.

She never let me lay on the floor. Always made sure I was comfy.

She doesn't look comfy. She likes her bed though. I'll put her there.

I never saw the people trying to stop me, though I was told they kept calling my name. I didn't hear anything though. Not until I had laid her down.

I don't know how long Shacklebolt called my name, but I finally looked up at him from where I was kneeling next to her bed and heard him. He was just repeating my name softly.

There are so many things I could have said, and probably should have, but there was only one thing that came.

"I never told her. I never told her I loved her. And now, she is gone. She is gone. And it's my fault. And I never told her."

He didn't say anything, just sat down with me, and put a hand on my shoulder. And that's when I lost it.


End file.
